


deserve to take up space

by whitchry9



Series: Autistic Matt Murdock [1]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Autism, Autistic Matt, Canon Autistic Character, Friendship, Gen, Identity Reveal, Slight Canon Divergence, all your favs are autistic fight me, autistic matt murdock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 12:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7844875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitchry9/pseuds/whitchry9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know. The autism. He's autistic, right?”<br/>Foggy has no clue what Karen is talking about.<br/>"Those are all… just Matt things."</p>
<p>Unless they're not <i> just </i>  Matt things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	deserve to take up space

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt over here: http://daredevilkink.dreamwidth.org/1742.html?thread=3953358#cmt3953358
> 
> Now listen. I've been trying to write an autistic Matt fic for... so long. And I've got more coming. I hope. (I've got two more started, and we'll see if they get finished.)
> 
> For Auden, because eir insistence that Matt Murdock is autistic is so admirable, and whose blog the title came from. Check em out: http://thequeerwithoutfear.tumblr.com/post/148237141190/lesbianiconlouis-moodboardyourfriendsmeme
> 
> "say it with me now- i have a right to be here, and i deserve to take up space"

Not long after Karen started working for Nelson and Murdock (which coincidentally was not long after Nelson and Murdock started), she came to Foggy's office one day and closed the door behind her. Matt was across the way, listening to something from his computer.

“So is there anything I need to know about Matt? To make sure I don't do anything wrong?”

Foggy frowned. “What do you mean? I already gave you a crash course in blindness. You should be good.”

“Oh, not for that, the other thing.”

Rolling her eyes at Foggy's blank stare, she continued. “You know. The autism. He's autistic, right?”

“What? No, he's not. Why would you say that?”

Karen flushed. “Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I thought he was. I was sure even. Please don't tell him I thought that though.”

“But why did you think Matt is autistic?”

“Well, there isn't just one thing, but it's sort of how all the little things add up. The way he talks, his interests in law and justice, the thing he does with his fingers when he's nervous or anxious, how he's very particular about his clothes and the textures he interacts with, the food he eats, the scents that are allowed in the office. Plus, he's not exactly sociable. I'm sure you've noticed that.”

“Yeah, but those are all… just Matt things,” Foggy protested. He didn't disagree with any of the things she mentioned but he didn't think they were symptoms. They were just how Matt was.

“Which could be because he's autistic,” Karen said gently. “Not that I'm saying he is. But I've known some autistic people-” she got a faraway look in her eyes before snapping back- “and he reminds me a lot of them.”

“But those are just Matt things,” Foggy said again, desperately trying to conjure up any information on autism other than what came from Rain Man.

“They can be both Matt things and autism things. He might be who he is because he's autistic. Anyway, if you don't know whether he is or not, let's not mention I said anything. But if you can think of anything that I can do to make him more comfortable around me or make things easier at the office, let me know, okay?”

Foggy could only nod, and Karen smiled at him and went back to her desk.

 

After making sure she and Matt were both busy, he googled autism and started reading.

 

At the end of the day, he had no more work done, but he did have a word document with a chart, containing characteristics of autism and their corresponding features in his best friend.

The chart was full.

Foggy was starting to suspect he might have missed something.

 

* * *

 

He couldn't sleep that night, tossing and turning in his bed, wondering _how_ he could have missed something that was so obvious when it was pointed out to him.

But maybe that was just it. He met Matt when he was younger, still mostly uncomfortable with who he was. Karen met Matt after he'd grown into himself, become more confident. Less of his characteristics could be mistaken for shyness or anxiety. Not that he didn't have those, because he definitely did, but when he was being a lawyer, Matt was self assured and outspoken.

Foggy wondered who Karen knew, who she was close enough to that she'd recognize the same in Matt.

 

The next few days, Foggy watched Matt closer, noting all his stims. There was the finger thing that Karen had mentioned, of course, and quite a few involving his cane. And although he didn't notice it in those few days, he remembered during college and when they were drunk, that Matt would do a skip jump thing when he was overjoyed.

 

After that, he made a list of Matt's sensory needs, ranging from textures he wouldn't touch, to scents he seemed to recognize from a block away and avoid like the plague. In retrospect, it explained his silk sheets. (“Cotton feels like sandpaper on my skin,” he'd said, and Foggy had laughed it off.)

 

Later, he connected the difficulty in recognizing other people's emotions as not solely due to being unable to see their facial expressions, but also partly due to difficulty understanding them. It explained why he had difficulty understanding sarcasm, but was adept at wielding it. It explained why he hated public transportation and preferred to walk. It explained strange bruises and cuts that Matt didn't seem to have any explanation for, because a lot of people with autism were less sensitive to pain. He might not have even realized he had them until Foggy pointed it out. It explained his routines for doing things, why he became upset when plans fell through or when people lied, and his needs for rules and laws to be followed.

It explained literally everything about Matt Murdock that Foggy had ever wondered about.

 

Foggy wondered if Matt had difficulty recognizing faces before he lost his vision.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Foggy doesn't know what to do with this knowledge, isn't sure he wants to do anything with it, for months. After all, if Matt wasn't autistic, or maybe just didn't know it, Foggy didn't really want to be the one to bring it up, especially if Matt didn't think anything was wrong.

 

Matt seemed to grow more distant, and Foggy wondered if Karen had anything to do with it, since it seemed to start around the time she showed up. But that was also around the time when they started a business together, the same time the masked vigilante started showing up, and the same time he started to suspect something after Karen brought it to his attention.

 

(Was it the vigilante? Matt didn't seem to disapprove of the Devil of Hell's Kitchen, but he also didn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other, which Foggy found strange, because Matt had strong opinions about superheroes and their activities. Matt had strong opinions about everything.)

 

Or maybe it was just because they were both busy, trying to keep their little law firm clinging on amidst all the chaos surrounding them, explosions and coverups and men who claimed to want the best for the city only to tear it down, clients they were hired to defend and went missing after the court cases, strange men with a lot of money waltzing into their office like they owned the place, and adorable clients who made them dinner and thought it was a date to sit in her half torn apart building before the explosions hit.

So yeah, they were busy. At least Foggy was, and assumed Matt was too, although doing what, he didn't know. He assumed it was a woman, from the few clues he got, one of them being the other phone Matt had.

(Matt was always a hit with the ladies, adorable as he was, but it never seemed to stick. Looking back, Foggy wondered if it was related to the autism, or if Matt just didn't want a relationship.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Then Foggy found Matt unconscious in his apartment, wearing the vigilante's clothing.

 

The woman he thought Matt was dating turned out to be his nurse, and was tight lipped as she sutured Matt's many, _many,_ wounds. Try as he might, Foggy didn't get any information from her.

 

When Matt woke up, he tried, and failed to explain to Foggy what he'd been doing. And then Foggy realized his suspicions the last few months has been wrong, that he had wasted time and energy on researching something that Matt was not, on making accommodations and excuses for something that was completely false.

He was furious.

 

“You know, for months I thought you were autistic. Imagine my surprise when I found out that you're just a lying asshole,” Foggy spat.

Matt blinked on the couch, looking pathetic. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it's not that you're hypersensitive to sensations, you literally have super senses. The bruises and cuts are from you fighting at night, not because you didn't realize you were getting them.”

Matt looked hurt, and turned his gaze downward. He muttered something that Foggy couldn't make out.

“Sorry, what's that?” he snapped.

“I am autistic,” Matt said, more loudly.

Foggy froze. “What?”

“You're right. I mean, I am an asshole, but I'm autistic too. They're not mutually exclusive you know.”

He looked miserable, and Foggy was reminded for a second just how young he looked. How young they both were, even if it didn't feel like it. Matt had an old soul, in more ways than one.

 

“My senses were hyperacute, even before the accident. Afterwards, it was like everything went from being dialed up to eleven to about ninety. It was hell,” he said bluntly.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

Matt shrugged. “It's not something you talk about. Like, what was I supposed to say, ‘Hi, I'm Matt, when I was a kid I got some chemicals splashed in my eyes that gave me heightened senses and I'm autistic.'”

“It would have been a start,” Foggy retorted. “Or maybe not introduce yourself like that, but maybe after we moved into an apartment together, you could have given me a heads up. It would have made both of our lives so much easier if I'd have known. What kept you from telling me later on?”

“I didn't know how you'd react. And after a while, it just kept growing and growing and I thought for sure I would lose you if I told you. You were the first real friend I ever had. I couldn't bear the idea of losing you, even if it meant lying to you.” Matt looked absolutely miserable at the thought. “And I guess I have.”

Foggy sighed. “You haven't lost me, you idiot. I'm still your friend. I'm pissed, and I will be for a while, but we're not going to stop being friends.”

Matt brightened a little at the thought. “We're still friends?”

“Yeah,” Foggy said, softening a bit. “Of course we are.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

True to his word, Foggy was pissed for a while, and considered taking a break from Nelson and Murdock, but every time he considered it he remembered how much Matt had brightened when Foggy told him they were still friends. He wanted to know who made Matt think that knowing he was autistic would mark the end of a friendship.

So they worked through it, and after everything went down with Fisk, after his arrest and Matt fighting him in a new costume in a back alley, only to hand the arrest over to Brett, when everything was said and done, they sat down for drinks at Foggy's apartment to celebrate.

 

And Matt asked what Foggy suspected he'd been wondering for a while.

 

“How did you know?”

“Ah... Karen brought up the subject, which I denied at first, mostly out of the shock of it, but after I did some research, I realized she was probably right.”

Matt looked a bit surprised. “And here I was thinking I passed for neurotypical so well.”

Matt must have heard Foggy's confusion, because he explained.

“Neurotypical in this case means someone who isn't autistic, but can also mean someone without any sort of neurodivergency like ADHD or whatever.”

“Oh.” Foggy nodded. “No, I think you were doing pretty well. Karen said that she knew someone who was autistic, and that you reminded her of them, so that might explain it.”

Matt looked a little shocked. “Oh. Okay.”

“When were you diagnosed? If you were, because I know self diagnosis is also valid.”

“After I lost my sight. I think the first couple months, my dad just thought it was due to the adjustment, that it would blow over, but the sensory needs only grew, and along with my other... peculiarities, he took me to the pediatrician, who referred us to a child psychologist, who diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome and an extra dose of sensory processing disorder. I was doing okay until he died, and then I went to the orphanage, which was good, but really wasn't equipped to deal with an angry, blind, oversensitive preteen who'd just lost his father and couldn't cope with any changes in routine. And even though I had the diagnosis, it wasn't really well know that it was on the Spectrum. It's like I wasn't autistic enough to require services or support, but I also wasn't neurotypical. Then there was Stick, and he wasn't autistic, but he seemed to somehow understand, and the routine of his training was good. But then he left, and by then I was almost a teenager and even angrier, which I channeled into continuing my training alone. I didn't have any learning disabilities, which also helped me pass as NT, because I managed to get high marks as long as the material was accessible to me. You'd think that because they were already making accommodations for my blindness that they'd be able to make accommodations for my autism, but they didn't seem to be willing to take the extra step. When my dad was alive, he was really good at that, advocating for me, and the orphanage was good, like I said, but still not equipped. With Stick's help, I could control a lot of the sensory things, which made my teen years better. I focused on school, kept up the training, and then I met you. You know the rest.”

“You should have told me,” Foggy said softly.

“If I'd know you would have been this understanding, I would have,” Matt said honestly. “But I hadn't had the best experience with people finding out I was autistic. They were dismissive or outright insulted by the thought, usually because they knew autistic people and I was nothing like them.”

Foggy rolled his eyes. “Right, cause all autistics are the same, obviously.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Matt admitted. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who is. Except… well,” he trailed off.

“What?” Foggy prodded.

“I'm pretty sure the guy who made my costume is, actually.”

Foggy raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Matt shrugged. “I think so. He got caught up with Fisk for all the right reasons, trying to protect someone he loved, and I promised I'd help him out of it.” He paused. “We might need to defend him in court eventually, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.”

Foggy laughed. “I honestly don't know how you can still be such a good person after all the shit that has happened to you.”

“You remember that I beat up people at night, right?” Matt asked wryly.

“Well, yes. Which I'm not condoning, by the way, but everything you do, as misguided as it might be, is because you think it's genuinely the right thing to do. So it's all for the right reasons. It's why we left L&Z, why I followed you into our own tiny mess of a firm, why I'm still following you.”

Matt glanced down at his lap. “I always thought I was following you,” he admitted.

“Oh god, you mean we've just been following each other around in circles? No wonder our lives are such a mess.”

Matt managed a grin. “That could explain it,” he agreed.

“Listen man. I love you, you know that right? We're always gonna be friends, even if I'm pissed at you, even if you decide one day that you hate me, whatever. But being friends means you can't keep secrets like this anymore, okay. I'm not sure I could survive another secret like this. So if there's anything else that comes up, anything huge that you're wondering, 'does Foggy want to know about this?', the answer is yes, please tell me. Okay?”

“Foggy,” Matt said seriously.

“Yes?”

“I'm Batman.”

Foggy burst out laughing and nearly fell off the couch, although the beers might have had something to do with that.

 

He thought that they were going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate ending, because really, how couldn't I?:
> 
> “Foggy,” Matt said seriously.  
> “Yes?”  
> “I love you.”  
> “I know man.”  
> “No, like, really love you,” Matt insisted.  
> “Really?” Foggy asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
> “Yes.”  
> “See, just another thing you should have told me earlier. Cause Matt, I love you too. Really love you.”
> 
> The person Karen is talking about is her brother. Cause I can.
> 
> As always, your autistic experiences may vary. Matt's is largely based on my own.  
> Don't fight me on self diagnosis, cause you can just fuck off if you're going to, because I will delete your comment. This fic is about autistic pride and for autistic pride.
> 
> Now is apparently part of a series? Cool.


End file.
